why i got a tattoo.

[Did not expect my first blog post in 2014 to be about a tattoo. But I have a feeling this year is going be full of unexpected things.]

Asked me ten years ago about what I thought about tattoos and I would have said distasteful. Or why would anyone get something so permanent?!

If I was asked last year about ever getting a tattoo I would have said…
No, I don't like pain. 
No, I have better things to use my money for.
[Oh, wait, I said that just a few days before getting my tattoo.]

So, why? Why would I do something so permanent, costly, and painful and in a very visible location?

Because every one has a story. A story of triumph, a story of hardship, a story of perseverance. A story of grace. I decided I wanted a tattoo as a way to share my story and as a reminder to myself about how God has carried me through some dark storms.

I totally made a Pinterest tattoo board, in which I titled it Crazy Thought. I found my inspiration and went for it. And thanks to my 18 year old sister, that asked me to get one with her on her birthday!

Grace is enough.

Those were the words I wanted to be constantly reminded of, in a spot that I would look at often--my wrist with my own handwriting. 

The words are based on 2 Corinthians 12:9.

But he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

This is the verse I put in our Christmas letter this last year and this is the verse I clung to when our now, 3 year old, Naomi was diagnosed last summer with Neuroblastoma, the childhood cancer. When everything else seems to be going wrong, when I was facing my biggest fear, I still had hope because of God's grace. I'm so thankful that His grace is enough for me. And nothing can separate me from His love.

So, as I sometimes skip, hop, or trudge through this thing, we call life, I have a constant reminder of three simple words that bring me back to a time that God carried me through, and know that whatever lies ahead, His grace will always be there.

For the record, I did not cry. I prepped myself by saying I've been through 3 births, two of which were totally natural, so I can do this. It only took about 3 minutes, and I smiled, took deep breaths, and occasionally made funny faces through it. 

When I woke the next morning, the girls wanted a tattoo of course, too. Audrey wanted the exact same one. I was able to tell her--isn't it awesome that God's love will never leave us?! 

Oh, and I so appreciate all the love I've received from this decision on Facebook and Instagram. I think my favorite response is people being shocked that I would actually get one, they didn't peg me as a "tattoo" person.  And that's okay either way. I just want to be pegged as a Christ-follower. 

lately.

I can't seem to shake something I saw on Pinterest a few weeks ago. The funny thing is, I didn't even repin it, so I can't quote it word for word. But I remember the core value of the statement--your children won't do what you say, but do what you do.

Truth.

If I"m not walking the walking, I can't tell them to.

What do I truly desire for my children? To have Jesus on their hearts. The Holy Spirit living, breathing through them. To understand The Story is apart of their story. We don't have to fully understand The Story, but that is where faith steps in. To understand and accept grace. To live a life of joy that is connected with serving and giving.

These thoughts are constantly running through my head. And it goes directly back to what am I doing? Am I serving? Am I giving? Am I living a life filled with the joy of Jesus? This internal conversation in my head is pulling me in all sorts of direction. I'm getting frustrated with myself--like I'm not cut out for this job.  I see myself fail over and over.

But then, hello. GRACE.

I'm so glad I can be broken and loved. Not perfect and forgiven.

Then I'm reminded that my children will see Him through me. See His grace for me. For them.

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Not sure if any of this makes sense. I just wrote and hit published.

refueled.

this morning, while i was driving to a nearby park, i had a moment of complete peace with an energy boost all at once. and yeah, it involved caffeine, but i won't let it take the credit like it can sometimes.  i was in our van, sipping coffee from one of my favorite mugs (hand-painted by me on a trip to a pottery shop years ago with some close girlfriends), the girls were chatting in the back with each other, worship music was on, and the beams, oh those sun beams were hitting us just right.

i needed that moment. it was like God saying, good morning to me right there. [His mercies are new every morning.]

then at the park. it was cool. sunny. and practically just us. (we went at nine. i think i'm going to do that more often.)

(these pictures were posted on facebook and instagram, but i couldn't resist sharing them again.

the first and last pictures are unedited. like i said, hello sunbeams.)

so, i want to know, what fuels you? 

well loved.

I think I mentioned that Naomi was dedicated at church last Sunday. It's not a day just to dress sweet and have family come, but it is truly a day where we share our commitment to raise Naomi (and Audrey) up in the Lord. It's not a job that we take lightly. But with God's grace, we pray that we do our best.

And I tell you what, these girls are so very loved. Just between our immediate family and Andrew's grandparents this is how many people came to Naomi's dedication.

(I'm one of six kids and Andrew is one of eight!

All of our siblings weren't even able to make it and we still had a very full house!

The left is mainly my side and the right is Andrew's.)

It was a lovely day--and Naomi wore the sweetest dress made by her Gamma. It was made from Naomi's great-grandma's (Nana's) honeymoon dress! Naomi was named after her Nana, they share the middle name Fae.

legacy.

I've been some what emotional and out of whack this week (as you can see here and here). So, I'm going to try to spare you another woe is me post. I truly do like trying to look on the positive side of things.

But, in all honesty, life and death thoughts have been consuming me. [I'm not going all morbid on you, don't worry.] I just have been reminded about how short and temporary our lives are here, on Earth. [And wow, how grateful I am for eternal life in the end.]

I've been thinking about my legacy. What do I want my children to remember about me? What do I want others to remember about me?

It's not about a big house. It's about having your door always open for visitors.

It's not about gourmet cooking. It's about the mouths you offer to feed even if is just a bowl of spaghetti.

It's not about the car you drive. It's about using that car to help others.

It's not about the next big promotion. It's about living for now.

It's not about how many vacations you go on. It's about spending time with those you love, in which ever way you can.

It's not about always being happy. Sometimes when we put ourselves in uncomfortable and inconvenient places, we will find Him there.

It's not about looking our best. It's about making sure other needs are met before ourselves, that's when we will feel the most beautiful.

It's not about me, it's about you.
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Also? I wrote this post for me. I don't really expect many to read it. There aren't pictures. But these words are pulling on my heartstrings. And I need to release them.
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One more thing. I am feeling much better today. I have had so many sweet words of encouragement sent my way. So thank you. thank you so much.

to dream.

Lately I have been having these visions or dreams or whatever you want to call them about what my life looks like in the future. Now I'm not some fortune-teller, so don't come knockin' on my door to get a glimpse of a crystal ball. [But do come over for some hot tea and cookies.] But these dreams? I just don't know about them, they are fogging up my mind.

You know that question--where do you see yourself in five, ten years? That's what my dreams have been about. Very small, short pictures pop into my head. They are a little blurry, but so defined at the same time. [I know this isn't making much sense, I'm even confused. Hang in there.]

Like I see our larger family in a house we built with land to frolic and play. With a clothes-line. I had one growing up and as much as I hated my mom making me run out to the line right before it started to rain to get the clothes down, those are some of my favorite memories. Oh, and a chicken-coop. [This is not a joke, folks. See I use the word, folks, I am so a chicken-coop type of person. Although my husband definitely thinks otherwise.] I want to be able to go out to my backyard and get fresh eggs. Just one or two chickens, that's not asking much, right? But I want a cool looking coop. Like this one.

image by pod.puremodern.com

Back to the larger family. Andrew and I have talked, we want three, four, kids. [He even said max five. I couldn't believe it. Hey, we already have the mini-van for it.] And I know God is speaking to us about this. I'm going to keep His words close to my heart, and see where He leads us. [And why does my uterus keep begging for another baby right now, when I still have a newborn?! Craziness, I tell you.]

With these dreams, I have a wish. I want more and more for our lives to reflect God's love for His people. I don't want others to look at us and see material things. Like the best of the best. But I want others to see love first and foremost. Love for them. Love for others. Love for Him.

Who knows what will come in five, ten years. But it's fun to dream. Yes?

Jesus Rocks.

Yesterday morning I woke up and wanted to go directly back to bed. Hello, cold, cloudy, rainy, dreary day. You make me want to sleep all. day. long. [With a baby, that is never an option, but I can still dream.]

Noon. Yup, still miserable outside.

4:30pm. Um, hello, sunshine, where did you come from? [Note: Prior to this time I was saying little prayers throughout the day for it to miraculously change and become nice out due to the fact we wanted to go out on the boat.]

5pm. On the boat. Enjoying the evening. Jesus, you, rock. Thanks.

[Audrey loves the boat, she always falls asleep on the ride.]

7:00pm. Stranded on the lake. Boat does not start. Lovely.

7:30pm Sailor comes to save us. Seriously, there was no one on the lake, and all of a sudden a sailboat comes gracefully along and offers to tow us. He probably felt sorry for us- he saw my husband paddling our boat with a very wimpy oar and my dad paddling with a ski. It was quite the view. And we weren't getting anywhere fast.

8:15pm Safely to shore. Baby was very good. The weather was good. And once again, Jesus, you, rock. Thanks!