motherhood calls.

I bought the cutest black floppy hat the other week. I have a suitcase partly packed with a maternity swimsuit and other sorts. I went through my summer dresses to see what I could wear with my ever-expanding belly.

All of this in anticipation of my big trip to Jamaica, that has been planned for months. Originally, my dad was going to take my younger sister with him on this all-inclusive, six day trip to a gorgeous hotel right on the ocean. (For her big 16th birthday). But then his plans changed and he was going to be in Africa, so someone else needed to go with her. With a smile, I gladly volunteered. Free trip to the Caribbean. Yes, please.

Now, let me go back to my doctor appointment I had last Thursday. We went up to Indianapolis, to our specialist to check on the blood clot that was found on my placenta four weeks ago. Great news--the blood clot hadn't increased in size (nor did it decrease, but it changed shape for the better to give the baby more room), and the baby is still growing great, about a 1-1.5 weeks ahead of schedule, in fact. They were concerned that the baby's growth would be affected, but they no longer have that concern and I can be monitored by my regular doctor from here on out. I also got the "go ahead" from the nurse to travel out of the country.

Then my regular 24-week doctor appointment came yesterday morning. My doctor reviewed the results from Thursday and had a couple of other tests he wanted me to do. Then I told him I was going out of the country. And the red flag appeared. He advised me not to leave because if something was to happen (even if it is a low risk) I wouldn't get the proper care I needed. So at this point I was feeling extremely stressed and frustrated because of the extra tests I had to do and hearing Jamaica wasn't a good idea. All I heard was  "Going on vacation to relax and do nothing, sleep in, and have food made for you, isn't in your best interest." What?!

I have been praying about my decision almost non-stop since yesterday morning. There was more than just the blood-clot concern factor, I had some other stuff weighing on me. I asked God to give me peace and discernment about my decision. I realized I was having a lot of anxiety about leaving my girls for six days, even though they were going to be very well taken care of (the hubs was taking extra time off and I had family lined up to watch them during the day). And they probably wouldn't even remember the time I left them to go on this trip. But the thought of not seeing them for that long, nor have the luxury to just call anytime I wanted, was too much for me. I missed them like crazy and I hadn't even left yet.

I had to make a decision today. And I'm feeling really at peace with it. Ultimately, it was my decision, not the doctors. Andrew had even encouraged me to go, he knows how bad I could use this most amazing vacation. But, right now. Motherhood calls. I'm trading free food made for me at every meal, sleeping in, and relaxing on the beach looking out at the clear water, for my everyday tasks of cleaning, making meals, putting puzzles together, running errands, and playing with my sweet babies. (Whew, that last sentence was a doozy to type.)

Thankfully, my oldest sister is going to take my place and go with my younger sister. They are going to have so much fun, I'm quite excited for them. I may have also called the hubs and requested we go to the ocean very very soon as a family. The ocean is one of my very favorite spots. I also told him he has to make one meal next week (which he does not cook), so that I can pretend I'm in Jamaica getting food made for me.  He said that would be just fine.

Motherhood is definitely a sacrifice. But one that has the most intangible rewards. Ever.

Motherhood calls and I'm answering it with a smile.

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