If you would have told me that I would have found the most fulfillment I ever have while facing my biggest nightmare, I would have told you were crazy. Grace in the time of my nightmare, I would have said no way.
But that's the beauty of grace, God's abundant love comes rushing in like a brook flows after a fresh storm right when you need it. His grace is sufficient, that has been deeply engraved on my heart this week.
But the part of grace that is so profound? It never ever goes away. It has always been with me. It has always been with you. It is always with each of us. It's when we decide to let God's grace fill us. To say yes to Him. Not the next big vacation. Or when your child scores the most goals. Or when you finally were able to remodel your bathroom. Or receive a raise. All of these things are wonderful and most certainly gifts from God as He loves His children dearly. But these things fade and we keep looking for what's next. I've found that the things of the world enter me and fill me until the sand in the hourglass has all fallen and then I flip it over and try to feel complete with another thing, until it is gone again. A repetitive cycle that grows weary with time.
But grace has no ending. It is eternal. It is abundant. This week, Jesus broke my self-sufficient and centered self so that I could clearly see this gift of grace. Gift. I didn't earn it. I don't deserve it. Yet, it is mine. He gave me a peace that transcends all understanding so I could bring glory to Him during this battle with cancer with our baby girl.
Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Romans 5:1-2
This week God used others to show his grace to us. Today two huge baskets of toiletries show up in our room given by a complete stranger-- my friend shared our story and it touched someone else and they wanted to show grace to us. A stranger from Oklahoma sent little gifts to Naomi to brighten her day. We have a date night waiting at an amazing restaurant in Indianapolis because others want to uplift my relationship with Andrew during this trying time. Food is brought to our house every night as others watch our other two babies. This is God. Taking care of His people.
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
My God goes with me. He's gone before me. I'm so glad He didn't let me have a say in whether I was allowed to enter this nightmare. If someone asked me if I would be okay with my daughter being diagnosed with cancer? Of course I'd say no. But this week? Clearly God has been with us every step of the way and will continue as we will face new test results in a month, three months, six months, yearly. I don't regret this week or wish it was different. Yes, it is hard to see my baby in pain. But I know, I know she is going to be stronger from this. And most importantly our faith as a family has grown. And His kingdom is expanding. Others are saying yes to grace.
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11
I can't fully understand God's plan. But what I can do is continue to set my eyes on Him and He will give me everything I need. And I believe grace and gratitude go hand in hand. When I thank Jesus for the little things, I see His grace abundantly in my life. Today He had his hands on Naomi as she had her nerve block removed and had very good pain control all day. Her fluid discharge was much better today, so good, that in the morning that can removed. She was her normal, feisty self, just wearing a cute little blue hospital gown. Tomorrow we go home. Home.
Tomorrow will come when it will. Tonight I watch my baby sleep peacefully in her hospital bed, knowing that whatever is next, His grace is sufficient.