I had a big ugly (and I mean ugly) cry this morning. In Naomi's hospital bed alone. And it felt so good. I am weak, but He is strong. I'm holding onto His Word that tells me to be still and know that He is God, to stop and just be because He is in control. Just be.
I spent most of the day trying to comfort our extremely tired and very hungry sweet Naomi. And by comforting I mean carrying her 30lb body around on my hip pretty much all day. That's where she wanted to be. So I let her just be.
This is a learning process on how to just be and really let those around us carry us through this. We are humbly accepting the love that is being washed in wave after wave. He works through His people and that is happening. Our church body. Our family. Our friends. Strangers. Local businesses. People in Costa Rica, Africa, India. Love binds His people.
Today was spent roaming white wall hallways, wondering when we could do the next step. When we would know our plan of attack. Wondering when I could give Naomi the strawberry she so desperately wanted to eat. It was spent rejoicing in the moment she wanted to color and play instead of moan and groan. We rejoiced when we made it through her second CT Scan. It is no small task trying to keep a tired, hungry feisty two year old to lay still while trying to collect body images. But God's grace was there the whole time and we have another day behind us to be grateful.
Today I was also changed. As we roamed the hallways I got a very small peek into each room. And in each room is a young child and a story. A story of bravery and battle. Smiles shown from children with shiny round heads. Smiles. In the midst of tragedy there is always light, we must find the light and just be. I met a little boy named Van. For the past 14 months of his young four years of life he has been fighting cancer. He sat with his mom and played games and colored and smiled. He is not confined and defined by his cancer.
Neither is Naomi. We are defined by His grace, His love for us that we don't have to earn.
With His grace and mercy we carry on. With moments here and there to just be. We are so incredibly thankful that we are able to be home until Tuesday, that was totally unexpected and such a gift from God. Come Tuesday Naomi will be a warrior. She will be covered in prayer and go in for surgery to try to get the tumor removed. The goal and what we believe will happen is that Naomi's tumor will be 90% removed, and in that case the rest of the tumor will regress on it's own. With Neuroblastoma this is possible and best case scenario. She will also have a bone marrow check (this was suppose to be done today, but was decided to do all surgeries at the same time) to see if the cancer spread. Today we found out that it has not spread to the abdomen, which is such a victory. There will be a lot of other tests run to see if it is "hidden" in other parts of the body. And we will be spending days in the hospital for recovery from the surgeries. Chemo, radiation and other treatment will be determined after we get results back from the bone marrow and biopsy.
But tomorrow we play. And go back to life before, before our new norm, with extra snuggles and kisses. A day to just be. To be refueled and replenished.
His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy Faithfulness.