"that's my mimi."

It's October. Probably my favorite month. I can't get over the gorgeous-ness of the leaves that are starting to blanket the grass. Or how you breathe in the last of the warm days like it's food for your soul. And as I mentioned before, it's a big birthday month in my house.

But also? October is a month that I can't help but think of my mom everyday.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

And I know, my mom, would want her story to be shared so others may learn from it. So that's what I do. I share. And bring awareness. This isn't something I normally would bring up on my blog. But I truly believe it is so important to spread the word.

My mom was such a fighter. And a Bob Marley don't worry about a thing type of person. Most of the 4.5 years she battled Breast Cancer, you wouldn't have known that she was going through radiation and chemo almost the entire time. She was diagnosed at the young age of 44 with Stage Four Breast Cancer. You see, Breast Cancer doesn't run in our family. She also nursed all her six of her kids, for a long time. The thought of cancer never popped into my mom's head. After having gallbladder issues and severe back pain, she was eventually diagnosed with cancer. She survived for longer than the doctor's expected.

I wish so badly that she could have met her grandchildren. She lived for her kids and becoming a grandmother one day. But,  I'm thankful I can still teach my children about their Mimi. And if you ask Audrey, she knows. She will tell you.

"That's my Mimi."

One of my older sisters, Lisa, my mom, and me, two months before she passed. See those brown eyes? My girls have them!



So, let's do this. Check ourselves and remind our friends and families to do the same. 

Also? Celebrate with the survivors this month!

[Squeeze your mom for me too. Call her. Because I want to be able to do that so bad.]

unspoken words.

Have you told her lately thank you? Thank you for the many, many nights of of rocking/feeding/soothing me when I was a baby. Thank you for putting up with my hormonal-self during teen years. Thank you for just being there when I acted like I didn't need you, but I really did. I still do.

Have you told her lately that the small moments really did matter. The pudding dessert dishes that we anxiously awaited for till after dinner. The hot chocolate that heated on the wood burning stove while we played in the snow.

Have you treated her to her favorite dessert just because? Here's a pineapple shake, just because I love you.

Have you called her lately for just a simple hello? Hey, Jesus, could you tell her hi for me.

Have you hugged her or held her hand like when you were a child? I vividly remember holding your hand during church when I was little and examining all the creases in detail, and thought these are my mama's hands.

Have you provided a meal for her as a very small thank you for all the meals she provided you? Have a seat and don't get up. Let me serve you for once.

It will be five years tomorrow since the last exchange of words with my mom. She battled Breast Cancer for 4.5 years, and then went to be with Jesus on April 15, 2006.

Mother's Day 2005, the last Mother's Day we had with her

Please don't let your words remain unspoken.
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In memory of my mom, I'm offering 25% off for ONE day on all items in my Etsy Shop, Rosemary's Cuppa, named after her. Just enter FIVEYEARS at check out. This deal starts TOMORROW and will run until midnight tomorrow. Also, if you have a second, please go and "like" Rosemary's Cuppa on Facebook.

child to mother.

Most days I'm able to get by without her. I don't go a day without thinking about her, but I manage to get by. But today, I wanted her. I wanted to hear her voice, I wanted to ask for advice. I wanted her to make me laugh by mispronouncing something. I wanted her to tell me how cute her grandchildren were. I wanted her to come over and reminiscence about the white hutch we bought together years ago, that now sits with Green Depression inside it. I wanted to see how her beauty has grown with age. (But she will be forever 48 in my head.)

It's been a hard couple of days and I needed my mom.

We don't ever stop needing our moms.

Me and my mama when I was around 18 months

And right when I thought I was going to lose it today because I didn't have my mom right there for me, Audrey came and comforted me with her treasured blankie. A hug. And she told me without me saying anything, you're a good mama.

[Children can just sense emotions, can't they? It's really amazing.]

There are no words when you can find comfort in your children.

From child to mother and mother to child.

{happy birthday} little sister.

When I blog, I usually keep it to just my little family. Only every once and a while an immediate family member will pop up.

Well, today, I think it's appropriate to have my little sister "pop" up on my blog. It's her birthday.

She's 15 today. [Yes, I have a little sister that young and I have an older sister that just turned 34. You do the math. My parents had six kids. That far apart. And we are all very close. Also, she was born when I was 13, and I was questioned multiple times if I was her mom back then.]

I want her to know how proud I am of her. She's not perfect. And oh my, can she ever get on my nerves. She has even made me anxious about having two teenage girls in the house at the same time. But. But, I love her, dearly.

Her eyes have experienced a lot in her short life. I was just thinking this morning that she hasn't had our mom for the past five birthdays. One-third of her life. Since she was 10. And before that, from the time she was six my mom was (very) sick. Lost her hair twice. Continuously went through chemo and radiation for four years. Much of her childhood memories are of our mom battling Breast Cancer.

And even though we lost our mom almost five years ago, it hasn't defeated my little sister or family. In fact, I'm pretty sure God knew what he was doing when he gave Lydia three older sisters. She may have too many moms now, if you know what I mean.

My not-so-little sister, Lydia, is a strong woman of God. And I'm so thankful she isn't afraid to call herself a daughter to the King.

Happy 15th birthday, Lydia.

a very {favorite} moment.

I don't have any pictures for one of my favorite moments. But it is forever imprinted on my heart.

This past weekend, we spent some lovely family time out on the lake on my dad's boat. To get to the lake, we drive past the cemetery where my mom is buried. Anytime we pass that area I usually just glance over with silence. Nothing is said, but I definitely think about her. And life continues on.

But this last time, we didn't drive by in silence. As we were nearing the cemetery, out of the mouth of the sweetest little girl in the back seat comes Mimi's gave.

Instant tear. How did she remember? How did she notice where we were? Yes, Audrey, Mimi's grave.

Audrey: Touch.

Me: Do you want to touch Mimi's grave?

Audrey: Yes.

Me: It is fun to touch Mimi's grave and the shell. [Side note: My mom loved the ocean and now a shell sits on top of her grave as a memory.] We will visit Mimi's grave soon. Right now we are going on Gramp's boat.

Audrey: Boat. woder.

And the conversation goes on. Just as life does. But I will never forget that moment by Mimi's grave. Now, I know, Audrey doesn't get it. She doesn't understand graves and cemeteriess and Mimi. But that doesn't matter to me. One day she will and I will be able to share this story with her.

Monday Rambles.

• It always amaze me at how quickly a week(end) can pass. It's already Monday again. Geesh. But, the good news--we had another productive weekend in the house of always fixing up. I would practically call this past weekend monumental because (drumroll please), Andrew and I installed the kitchen floor. (Fine, Andrew pretty much installed the whole thing himself, but I did help a tiny bit). This means I don't have a grungy, paint spotted, always dirty looking, non-existing floor to look at anymore. Wondering what we installed? Nothing fancy. Just laminate. But I LOVE it. And I realize that I haven't hardly shared any pictures of the progress on our house. So photos will be coming soon!
• Also? Our kitchen table has been a black folding table and four chairs for the last six months. But today? I bought a farm table with six chairs (at a super duper good deal).
• In case your wondering. Last Thursday was beautiful. See picture below.

(We call my mom "Mimi" that is what she wanted as her "grandma" name. And in case you didn't know, Audrey's middle name Rose, is after my mom's first name, Rosemary.)
• I made a goal for myself this week to go to the grocery store one time. Last week I went at least three, and if you count Target, you could say four times. Seriously, someone needs to plan better, ahem. Tomorrow we have small group coming over, Wednesday we have friends coming for dinner, and Sunday I am hosting a baby shower. One trip to the grocery store? At least I have a list this time. (And we will just ignore the trip that my husband is taking tonight to pick up juice and milk so we can make it through the morning).
• Two weeks from tomorrow we get to find out the gender. So excited. And right now I'm loving feeling the baby move on the inside. I think God carefully orchestrated this time for a mother to bond with her child in a such a special way because she is the only one that can feel those flutters until the baby gets big enough for the outside to start to rumble.
• We got rid of our cable last week. It's been really nice. The tv hasn't been on at all, except for the couple of movies we have watched. The one show that I will continue to watch online is Parenthood.
• Audrey had her 18 month check up today. Omgosh. I have an 18 month old baby toddler. She is scaling in at 24 lbs and 32.5 inches long. This past week she has managed to perfect the whine, which I am now having to somehow revert. Her obsessions still include babies and dogs. But mostly babies. Naked babies. And my new favorite word that I like her to say over and over- "o-tay, o-tay."

Alright enough rambling. I hope you all had a lovely weekend and a start to a great week. Happy Monday!

I'll fly away.

On the appearance of things, it seems like a pretty normal (beautiful) day. We have been to the recycling center, the grocery store, to visit daddy at work, and the park. I have worked in the yard, unloaded the dishwasher, and did laundry.

But it's not a typical day for me. Everytime I have glanced at Audrey I have thought how much time will I have with my daughter? Because today. For me. I'm remembering the 23 years I had with my mom. And only the 10 years my little sister had with her. Or the 16 my brother had. Or the (almost) 30 years of marriage my dad had with her. All of which, those numbers were too short.

But to God be the Glory, that will we see her again.

Exactly a week before my mom passed she requested that we all go to Texas Roadhouse as a family. At this point we knew her time was short. She didn't have a lot of strength. She was in a wheelchair. It was time, and we knew it (although admitting it, was one of the hardest things I will ever have to do). But she insisted on dinner out together. And the following day, she was determined to go to our softball game. In wheelchair and all. These two memories, I will hold onto forever. She was so present even in her last days.

I can't believe it's been four years today since I had to say goodbye. But I know she is still right here with me. When I drink that cup of tea. Write that hand-written letter. Sit on our back deck. Talk to strangers. Listen to Bob Marley. Buy tons at the grocery store. I remember my mom. These are things that she did, that I catch myself doing. And I like it. I like it that I have her brown eyes. Her German stubbornness (Audrey gets this trait too, lucky her). Her sense to enjoy life and live for the moment. Because the little moments are what life is all about.

I consider myself one lucky gal to have had my mom for 23 years.

{I love this picture because it shows my mom so well. Her love for life. Her zeal. Her awesome dance moves. This was taken in June 2005- on my wedding day, just 10 months before she passed. We partied that day. I'm so thankful to have that day and remember that my mom was able to dance and let go and almost pretend that day she was cancer free. Oh, and check out my dad to the left. He must be zoning in on his next dance move. And then there is me on the far right. I'm totally getting into it. Ha.}

This is what she was all about.

I found this postcard today.

It reads
Abra (darling), You were very sweet to come Sat. and clean and decorate for my birthday- you did WELL! I thank God for you. I have been blessed with sweet kids. I love the plate holder, always wanted one. Thanks honey. Love, Mom

September 18, 2001

I also found this one.

It reads

Abra Dear, I love you. Mssy nad you. Lydia

September 18, 2001 (from my little sister, who at the time was only 6)

This is what my mom was all about. Just a month before she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer she was mailing me postcards at my dorm and even had my little sister send me one. Even though, I still lived in the same town as her and probably saw her at least three times a week. That's just who she was. She loved to send hand-written notes.

I'm so thankful I had for 23 years of my life.

*You can click on the pictures and see them larger.

Celebration of Life.

It's time. Time to bring out the bonnets for little girls. [Which Audrey has the cutest one]. Vests to button up on little boys. Hoping (or should I say hopping) for nice weather. Hiding the eggs. Spending time with family. Remembering the resurrection of Christ. Or for some, it may be a reminder of taxes due. April 15. Tax day. But for me. April 15 doesn't mean tax day. And Easter is even more than just a remembrance of Jesus' resurrection. It is also a reminder of my mom's new life. Three years ago was the most beautiful Easter day. Ever. You may not remember it. But I do. Like it was yesterday. The sun was shining as bright as can be. Not a cloud in the sky. And I know why. Because my mom was dancing in heaven that day. She passed the day before that Easter Sunday. April 15. I distinctly remember going to church that morning. Without my mom. But with my family. The family I had left. I have left. I remember praising God with tears rolling down my face. Thanking him for taking my mom out of her pain. She was a fighter. A fighter of stage 4 Breast Cancer. I don't write this out of pity for myself. Or a 'woe is me' blog. But, really I write what is going on in my head. And right now. Right at this very moment. It's my mom. And her granddaughter she never met. At least here, one day they will meet. In heaven. And thankfully, I can already tell my daughter carries parts of my mom. She is a gentle reminder for me. And I like that.

Oh, and what I really want you to get out of this post. Really. Is to check yourself. You can never, ever over check. No matter what age.